...Happy 2011!...

I know I am wayyyyy over due for a blog post. Life has just gotten so busy with being a mother and working two jobs and "trying" to have a social life I just don't have much time for anything else. So I felt compelled today to check in and let you all know how I am doing.

So....all is well with my band still. I had my 2 year bandiversary on 12/18/10. I am still at about 200 pounds. Still fighting to get those 20 off that I gained earlier last year. But I think my body has gotten comfortable and this is where it might want to stay. But that doesnt stop me from trying. I still start a new diet every week...lol. I still start to workout then quit after two days...I'm trying...but not very hard I suppose. I think subconciously I am comfortable or just have not gotten fed up enough with where I am right now. Maybe it will take an event like what made me get the lap band in the first place to go ahead and make it to my goal.

My band is uber tight! I'm guessing because of the weight I am now. Because when I was smaller with the same amount of fluid it did not affect me as much. I have been contemplating getting an unfill for months but at the same time telling myself if I could just lose weight it will loosen up. You know my problem is sweets which is why I'm having such a hard time getting these LB's off. Coupled with the fact that I hate to work out....that's not a good combination. So I dont know...I might get an unfill and I might not. I just know I am T I G H T! My stomach makes those horribly embarrasing gurgling noises always at the wrong time. I cannot eat breakfast not even after drinking hot tea (I still try but PB everyday). My best window for eating is between 1 and 5pm. I have to stop eating by 7 pm or I will have the worst acid reflux known to man. But...dont get me wrong...I'm not complaining...because I know how to fix it...I just have not done it. I'll get around to it eventually.

Still not much of a social life....I find that I dont like crowds or being around people at all....and you know why? because in my stupid head I feel too fat! I dont want people to see what I look like...or...no I don't want to bring attention to myself is what I really mean. When I was less 20 pounds I went out a lot....a friend of a friend of mine really messed me up when she had not seen me for a while and the first thing out of her mouth was....you picked up some weigh, huh?! I was floored....so ever since then...I dont want that same reaction from anyone else. So you would think that would motivate me to lose it right??? nah-uh....not at all. I'm just a crazy, psycho, confused, wishy-washy chic with a horrible case of body dysmorphic disorder. I might feel one way one day and totally opposite the next day...I've gone mad I tell ya....MAD! So my social life is work. I got a part-time job at Old Navy. That's where I do most of my socializing...with the kids (yeah kids...I'm one of the oldest bittys of the whole place) there...they make me feel young.

So anyway....all in all...I'm doing ok....just still crazy as hell. I really need to see a shrink but as one of my best traits is procrastination....I have not gotten around to it yet...

So I hope you enjoyed my update. I will post a pic. I know you are going to say I look small....but trust me...this morning I weighed 202.6. I have on a good girdle! (body shaper) Plus, I'm wearing all black! You can't go wrong with those two things.

Thanks so much for still following me. I will make a better effort to update and find some other things to talk about....but after 2 years I'm kinda sick of talking about this band....I might need to find something else to write about.

-TTYL! lub ya!

Oh heck...since i'm being a little vain....(you guys already know what I look like so I'm not ashamed) I'll post a couple more pics over the last few months that I was missing.

*note the many hair transitions....i'm sad to report that I have lost my hair...due to not taking vitamins, protein and too much STRESS! so you new lap banders out there...don't let this be you! take your vitamins....get your protein in....stay as stress fress as possible and take care of your hair!!! I am now a weave/wig QUEEN!

...helloooo....anyone still there???....

Hey! I do realize that I have been missing for quite some time. I really just came to see if there are any posts about the B.O.O.B.S event/convention/party...lol...i'm sure you all had a blast. I'll take days for me to catch up on everyones posts but i'm gonna try.

Ok so If you actually keep up with me you know that I must have been in one of my "moods" and too ashamed to write or just plain ol boring with nothing to talk about...well this time it was just one of those moods...so here's a quick update.

• i'm still floating around in the high 190's...the lowest i have gotten since my last post was like 193 then i gained everything I lost in one weekend.
• still feeling crappy about myself because i can't just lose these damn 40 freakin pounds...i feel like such a failure...i know someone may comment about the bright side and how far i've come, yada, yada, yada...but i cant see it! i am extremely pessimistic! all i see is what i am unable to accomplish! errgh!
• i had to stop reading some blogs for a minute because i always compare myself which makes me even more depressed.
• i eat nothing but BAD JUNK FOOD! (the devil) even with top-notch restriction i can manage to get all that stuff in with no problems. Yet i rarely eat good food. i know this is bad...really bad...i'm going to the dr. in 2 weeks to make sure i'm not doing extreme damage to my body...we'll see how it comes out.
• i'm back to my size 14's....i can barely pull up my 12's or put a thigh in my 10's but i'm not giving up hope!
• i got a great new part-time job at Old Navy....so it is KILLING me to have to buy 14's....the logical thing would be to wait right? nah-uuuh...not me! i'm a shopoholic! just like they say you trade one bad habit for another and mine is shopping! I always had the bad/junk food habit so that's not going anywhere.
• still doing that emotional eating thing...which is why i'm still struggling....i still thought that if i had my band so tight that i couldn't eat that would help me lose weight...NOT! so if anyone is thinking that as well...dont even try it...you'll just feel worse in the end...dehydrated, headaches, low energy...BAD!

Well, those are all my little tidbits I can think of to write about right now without going on a tangent...I'll leave you with some photo updates because every once in a while I do feel kinda cute...

this is me...headed to work (bad hair day but my mom thought i was cute...lol)

me with the boys and my niece headed out for saturday shopping

one of those "i think I'm cute days" i woke up and my hair looked like that! amazing right!? i didnt do anything to it!

Ok so i know most of you (those who are still checking in..lol) will look at those pics and say....girl you have bumped your head! you are not FAT!!!??? You must remember that in my head and heart i dont see what others see...i STILL see that fat girl no matter what size i am....i'm sure its going to take more than losing weight to get my mind straight.....

so...that's all folks....

side note: i'd like to try one of those vlog thingys but i'm not sure how to do it...i really like those....

...THANKS A MILLION!...

Side Note: I started this post last week but one thing led to another and I was unable to get back to it.

WOW! You all made my day....I was feeling really crappy about myself and my weightloss and was just feeling like a failure in general. It really brought tears to my eyes to see that people actually took the time to comment and give me words of encouragement. You will never know how much that means to me! I even got an award!!! wow!!! I feel like I'm really part of "Blog Land" now. I wondered how people got those awards...lol. Thank you so much Pamela for thinking enough of my blog to give me one.

So I'm feeling a little better now...not 100% but I'm working on it. I'm definitely trying to control my emotional eating.

*side note** My mom saw a Dr. Oz show where he said most candy bars have at least 8 insect legs in them....or something to that effect. Needless to say she told me that about 3 weeks ago and I have not had a candy bar since....(and this is still true!!! totally LOST the taste for candy bars...bleh!)

UPDATE: So as of today...I'm feeling better....STILL not losing...in fact i'm BACK in 200 world weighing a whopping 203! But hey....shit happens....I can't let this control me. Today is another day...and the next day and the next day. All I can do is try my best.

I really want to find another doctor who will give me a floroscopy to look at my band. I feel like i have stretched my pouch but when I tell this to the folks in my clinic they think its fine and I'm the problem...oh well...i'm sure another dr. would have no problem taking my money and doing what I want them to do even if it is fine.

That's about all i have time for today...check back in soon! I need to catch up on my reading as well!

TTYL!

...i'm a horrible loser...

well as you have probably noticed by now i'm a horrible loser....when i'm not losing weight the way i want to or things are not going well for me I completely drop off of everything...my blog, facebook, twitter...all of it! I sucked at the Summer Challenge. I lost 10 pounds then gained it all back! Mostly due to issues in my life that made me turn my attention back to sweets. I think i'm getting bored with my band too...I'm at the point where the tiniest little fill will give me too much restriction or none at all. I know it is mostly me and eating things that I shouldnt be eating but I'm going on almost 2 years with my band. I wish i could take it out and start over. Sometimes I even wish that I had gastric bypass instead...but then i know that's just anger thinking...everyone i know that had gastic bypass has had some sort of issue. I have not even kept up with reading any blogs...i just feel so....blah! and i'm not even PMS-ing!!

Today i woke up and said a prayer from strenght to get back on my eating better pattern so that I can get to the weight i want to be. But then the devil marched right in and knocked me down...i've already had a slow churn ice cream cup, 2 handfuls of kettle corn, a bag of fritos and a fudge bar. I can't keep saying I will be better tomorrow because it looks like i get worse with each day!

That is all for today...I just dont have the energy to even go on with my post. i'm in such a shitty mood.

...too disgusted for words...

I am beyond frustrated....I feel like giving up on losing anymore weight. Everytime i get out of the 190's I get right back into them and I dont even understand how?! I think that nurse at the lap band clinic was right...my body has found its comfortable spot and it doesnt want to leave....I'm disgusted....

All i want to lose is 10 friggin pounds!!!??? why is it so damn hard?!?!! UUGGHHHHHHH!!!

That is all...

...hello! good mornin!...

I just wanted to check in and say hi...I have started about 3 blog posts that I can never seem to finish. Eventually I will get to it. I'll make this one short and sweet since I am absolutely SWAMPED at work...i'm working late right now I just needed a break. I had a good holiday. I didn't eat THAT much...I still kept off the weight I lost. I'm working really hard....i'm so close I can smell it!! lol...

I can't think of anything else to post about right now without going into crazy detail so I'll be back soon....

TTYL!!!