...re-newed motivation...

Ok...so yes I did lose my 100 lbs....but guess what...i gained 10 lbs back....I guess all this attention and people telling me I am at a good size left me a little "full of myself" literally...lol! I've been eating like I have been skinny all my life...I need a fill (i think) because I can eat pretty much whatever I want. The portions are not huge but they are bigger that what they used to be. I have an appointment on wednesday for a fill. I have not had a fill since january(?). My job changed my insurance so i had to get re-approved to show that adjustments are "medically necessary". I went once a month for a fill...even if it was for a teeny-weeny amount...getting fills kept me on track and made me feel like i had a reason to do the right things.

All in all this experience has been really great for me. But it has left me to wonder am I REALLY obsessed with this? Should I leave well-enough alone???....I actually hit 90 lbs lost around october so i have been r e a l l y s l o w about getting to my 100 lbs lost. I think my body may be trying to tell me...ok enough! but that's not what I want! Tonite I spent hours looking at before and afters on LBT and OH...I must have changed my final goal in my head 13 times! lol...why must I have a number in my head to drive me nuts about getting to? Ultimately, I just want to look good and feel good!

This weekend I was feeling like a fat cow since i put on those 10 lbs in about a week and a half time...i know most of it is due to bloating because my "monthly bill" and the other has been craving sweets like crazy (and feeding into that craving!)...eating a bunch of JUNK (sliders, you know, greasy foods that go down easily) AND not exercising like I used to. I can already see that I am going to have to exercise at least daily for the rest of my life. My bat wings are coming back...

I always have to take a photo to see that I am truly the size that I am because I dont see it when I look in the mirror. So here is the pic that I took just before hitting a bar on saturday nite...and I had one drink and 3 chicken wings...(the chicken wings almost got stuck but I was too ashamed to walk to the restroom clear across the bar because my shoes stretched and were flapping on my feet and I didnt want to trip and fall...lol...so I made the chicken stay down. I didnt have any business eating them anyway so that's what I get! lol)

So when I look at the pic I think...ok...not so bad...but I can definitely see the 10 lbs....some people might look at the pic and say you look great but why can't I see that myself? I think after any weight loss surgery there should be mandatory mental health counseling. Body image is a big issue..you see the weight-loss but you dont SEE the weight-loss...you know? I may have to seek some counseling soon because i cant talk to my friends about it because they dont understand and all they do is call me crazy which I get sick of hearing.

Has anyone else had that issue of not "seeing" themselves after weight loss? I really would like to hear about it...email me and tell me what did you do about it....